This is the kind of stuff that only happens on TV

This past week I was on vacation. That fact is actually germane to the story, it isn’t just boasting or a catchy starting sentence. You see we were driving back home when my wife decided to call and check our voicemail. When she got into the system there was a long pause followed by her replaying the message after muttering, “That’s weird.”

Me: “What?”

Her: “There’s a message for you from a law office.”

At this point my natural reaction was that I was being sued for something. I ran a quick mental inventory and found nothing particularly lawsuit worthy. I also figured that they would never find THAT, I mean that hole we dug was pretty deep.

Err. Right. Probably not the time and place for that. Plausible deniability and all.

It turns out the message said that they had found a wallet with my name in it and were trying to contact me to see if it was really mine. Now, it is very important that I am clear on the circumstances of how I lost my wallet. My best guess was that I was filling up my car and for some reason dropped it at the gas station. I had even gone back there hoping and praying that it was turned in by some kind soul. I also ransacked most of the house looking for it until I finally gave up and did all that crap you need to do when losing a wallet. (Cancel credit cards, get a new license, etc.)

Oh, I should also mention that all this happened TEN YEARS AGO.

It was during my last year of college and I remember it well. It is clear to me because it meant I had no ID, which meant no going out that night, which meant no beer, which at the time was a colossal traveshamockery.

So first thing yesterday morning I gave them a call to find out what was going on. After I passed the interview questions proving that it really was my wallet they explained that some of their workers cleaning out a flower bed at one of their properties had found it. They then looked me up (sometimes having a unique name really works in your favor) and here we are.

I asked for the address so I could come get it and the puzzle started to fall into place. You see, here is where I lived when I lost it.

And here is what is right next door to the left:

Their office is the red brick house on the far left. The wallet was found in the landscaping of the square building which was right next door to my house. Ten years it had sat in the elements twenty feet from the house where I lost it. If you’ve ever wanted to see what happens to a wallet being outside in Cincinnati after all that time today is your lucky day:

I can’t remember if I had any money it, if I did it was certainly a minimal amount. I’m thinking I probably dropped it getting out of the car or something, someone helped themselves to the twenty or so bucks it probably carried, and then chucked it into the foliage along with all the cards still inside.

That’s right, except for the cash everything else was still there. The wallet itself pretty much disintegrated when I opened it but inside, safe and sound, were fifteen cards.

Apparently in 1997 I liked to carry around:

1. a driver’s license
2. my college ID
3. a Visa card
4. a Visa Check Card (those were wild new back then)
5. an ATM card (because the Check Card wouldn’t work in an ATM, ha!)
6. two AAA cards
7. an AT&T phone access card for the university
8. a Sprint “Foncard” (remember that stupid spelling, also remember cell phones weren’t wildly spread in college back then)
9. a Dave and Busters Powercard
10. a Firestone card (which I’m not sure why I had, maybe I bought some tires)
11. a Sunoco card (of which I have no recollection of ever having)
12. a medical insurance card on my parent’s plan
13. a Finish Line rewards card
14. a video rental card for some place called Picture Show Video (I have no idea where this was, if I ever rented anything there, nothing.)

Talk about a little time capsule buried in a little topsoil. I have to send my thanks out to the folks at Thomas & Thomas, in particular Evan Thomas for taking the time to track me down. If you need any lawyerly stuff I highly suggest calling them up. Unless you need to sue me, at which point just put that off. Procrastination is a Good Thing.