Worst. Week. Ever.

So for the faithful readers of this blog it has been a slow week with no real updates. It hasn’t been because there wasn’t anything going on, quite the contrary in fact. Let’s start at the beginning.

My wife is currently 32 weeks pregnant with our second kid. Our first kid is about three and a half years old and has a bedroom on the second story of our house. The bedroom location is important because on Monday night, after having tucked said kid into bed, my wife decided to fall down the stairs. Well, truthfully, it was less a decision and more a stroke of truly bad luck. I even got to see the whole thing happen from the comfort of my couch.

Not Good Times.

By the time I made it over to her, in sprinter speed that I didn’t know I had, she was already hurting pretty bad. Maternal instincts had kicked in and instead of falling forward she leaned backwards thus saving the new baby from any harm. The side effect was that her right leg got pinned behind her as she fell. My thought at the time:

“There is no way she didn’t just tear all the ligaments in her knee and ankle.”

I’ve seen some pretty gruesome falls in my day but that one takes the cake. So after a quick calm down, followed by her starting to go into shock, I woke up the kid, carried the wife to the car, and drove to the urgent care down the street. It turns out that she didn’t break any bones (amazingly) and it doesn’t appear that there is any actual ligament tears. Sure, there are some world-class strains and sprains but all things be equal it really couldn’t have turned out better. The only downside is that she can only walk with an aircast and even then only very slowly. Oh, and the fact that she is pregnant and can’t take drugs stronger than regular Tylenol.

Ok, so the second downside is a HUGE one.

So if that alone was all that happened this week things would be ok. But, as you’ve guessed already, of course that wasn’t it. The second shoe to drop happened just this evening during the first half of my indoor soccer game. I jumped up to head the ball clear from in front of our goal. It turns out that a player on the other team had the same idea although I got in the air first. Thus we met when I was coming down and they were coming up.

They brought the top of their head to the party. I brought my nose.

Not Good Times.

So after a blinding shot of pain I found myself on the ground. Now, I’ve been hit in the nose plenty of times and usually you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The pain was subsiding pretty quickly when I raised my hand to my face and promptly started to bleed. A lot. A whole lot. By the time I made it to the bathroom there was a blood trail of where I walked. After I had a handful of towels to try to stop making a giant mess everywhere I looked in the mirror.

Uh-oh.

That friends and neighbors is a nose that is not in the same place of where I last left it. The bright side was I knew the hours of the urgent care where I had just taken my wife so I gathered my stuff, grabbed some more towels, and drove over. Much to my surprise the same doctor that saw my wife was working tonight so he gave me a funny look when I walked in holding my nose with blood all over my arms.

Doctor: “You look familiar, have I treated you before?”

Me: “Not exactly, you treated my wife who fell down the stairs two days ago. This hasn’t been our week.”

Doctor: “No kidding.”

After an examination and a bunch of x-rays the medical community confirmed what I knew in the soccer bathroom. That nose is broken.

To add insult to injury (Ha! Get it?) this urgent care had neither the drugs nor the tools necessary to realign the old sniffer. That means I get to play the “Make an appointment with an ENT tomorrow” to get this honker fixed.

After I left the urgent care I then got to go home and break it to the broken wife that I too had been broke up. And gone to the same urgent care. And saw the same doctor. (Although when I explained how she was doing he was pleased with her progress. I suppose that saves a co-pay by not having her come in for a follow-up.)

So my advice to you my dear readers would be to stay as far as humanly possible away from me. I’m not joking. So far my dark aura has limited itself to knees, ankles, and noses all of which are not mission critical parts. With my luck though the aura is just warming up so for your own safety I suggest just staying out of my way. But if you don’t, or if you’re a risk taker, or you have a death wise, I happen to know a great urgent care facility.